#00005: Lost in my mind

July 29 2015

I woke up at 4pm. It took me a few minutes to get oriented.
Sleeping pills have no effect on me anymore.
I’m in my bed at home. I don’t know what day it is.
And then I took 600mg of Lyrica (Pregabalin) because I don’t know.
I simply want to live without hearing the voices all day.
Definitely no gym today.

I decided to go out and buy something for my nephew.
I was never there for his father. I was never there for my own brother.
I will make up for that by being there for my nephew.
I also wanted to buy myself a Lego set. I don’t want to think about anything and just follow the Lego manual to set up whatever it is I just bought.
Toys “R” Us mostly had Star Wars sets.
I was never able to watch more than 20 minutes of Star Wars Episode IV: A new hope.
I don’t dislike it. It simply never appealed to my taste.
My credit card was not accepted so I wasn’t able to buy the toy.
The Lyrica began to work. I can feel it swimming in vessels.
A warm, comforting flow of peace and hope.
No more anxiety. Everything is alright.

I parked the car somewhere close to where I used to hang out 10 years ago.
I loved that area. The memories I have for this place are unforgettable.
It didn’t feel the same walking on the main road.
New buildings. New shops. New cars. New people.
Everything is different. Everything changes.
And then I kept on walking.

I bought new clothes for the workout program I will start soon.
I was very fit a few years ago. I had discipline.
I’m very ashamed of my current self.
I kept on shopping. I bought books because the unread books I have at home are not enough.
A new start? A fresh beginning?

I took an anti-histamine pill. I want to sleep and forget everything.
And now I’m writing this while binging on anything I could find.
Pound cake. Chips. Pastries. More cake. More food.
This is my last binge.
I promise.

I will reach the 10000 posts goal. I can change. I have all the tools within me.
I am better than I believe I am.
I will accept myself.
I will become the the person I truly am.


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