#00007: Myself & I – 1

You’re depressing the flow of posts in this blog.

I can see that. I didn’t intend for this to happen.

You started this blog because you wanted to achieve something in your life.

That’s right. I’m a failure. That means I’m only successful at failing.
I had 2 years left in my clinical years and I just gave up.

You never finish what you start. You run away from responsibilities. What are you hoping to achieve from all of this – what does the 10000 posts mean? You want them to appreciate you, right? You want the world to accept you for being who you are.

I don’t know. I don’t have anything else in my life. It’s as if the universe decided to fuck everything up in 2015.

You deserve everything you’re going through right now. You brought this on yourself. If only you didn’t do X or Y or Z, none of this would’ve ever happened.

You’re right. I deserve this. I never really wanted to become a doctor. I did it for the label.
It’s easy to tell someone: I’m a medical student. I will become a doctor.
Everyone accepted me. Everyone respected me.
Now it’s all gone. I don’t want to face them because I can’t face telling them: I won’t be a doctor anymore.
I can’t tell them: I won’t become a doctor because I never really wanted to become a doctor.

But why? If you never wanted to become a doctor, why waste all those years? Why waste your scholarship and the money spent on your education?

I wasted all these years because I wanted my father to accept me and be proud of me.
I wanted to become a doctor to be accepted by my family and friends and the strangers I meet and the entire world.

But you had 2 more years! Why didn’t you just get the degree and then do whatever it is you want to do? Why didn’t you quit years ago when you began keeping a stupid journal and noticed that you never wanted medicine?
You never wanted to go to college in the first place. You did it because that’s what’s expected of you.

I don’t know. I didn’t wait to quit. I simply couldn’t lie to myself anymore. Everyday was a worse struggle to get out of bed and fake an interest in doing what I was doing. I couldn’t force myself to study or attend my clinical placements anymore.

You’re right. You are a failure. You’ll always be a failure. Accept that. Now go ahead and lock yourself in your room with your regrets and shame and fear.
This is it. Your worst nightmares has become real. 

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