#00037: You (Part 1)

**Written on July 30 2015. The first day of my worst relapse. Unmodified.
  • You are writing this because you’re scared. You fucked up and now you don’t know what to do. Your mood is an out-of-control roller coaster heading towards hell.
  • If only you knew what you know now when you made all those choices. One stupid mistake after another. Repeating the same mistake over and fucking over. Look where you ended up.
  • You are nothing but a failure. You had all those opportunities and you fucked them up. You’re a worthless piece of pig shit.
  • You want them to like you. He wants you to like him.
  • You finished high school in 2006 and you still haven’t achieved anything in your miserable life. You’re nothing but a bag of lame excuses.
  • You don’t know what you want with your life. You never knew what you wanted and you’ll most likely never know. Go ahead and waste your time changing the theme of your stupid blog that you’ll delete soon. You never finish what you start.
  • You’re writing this because you’ve been lying to your family and friends for the past 9 years. Go ahead and let it out. It won’t make a difference.
  • You stay in bed for hours trying to sleep. You watch videos because they allow you to stop thinking about you’re own life.
  • Are you going to do drugs again? You know you’ve been craving it for a while. Fuck the blog. Fuck the world. You want to do drugs. You’re repeating the exact same pattern that’s been going on for more than 10 years.
    • First, it starts with oversleeping. Fuck the alarms. You force yourself to keep on sleeping because you don’t want whatever dream you’re having to end. You only wake up because your bladder will explode and your body cannot tolerate being in bed anymore.
    • You don’t want to wake up because there is no reason to get out of bed. Why do anything? You have a natural talent at being a successful failure. Why get out of bed? Why face your problems when eventually you’ll end up in the same fucking place repaying the same fucking mistakes?
    • Insomnia kicks in. You stay up for an average of 30 hours at first, followed by the cycle of “2 days on, half-day off”. This is when reality becomes mixed with the voices in your head.
    • The food binge. This the phase where you gain at least 30lbs. Too much food helps make you sleep. Now you’re addicted to binge-eating while watching a video. If it’s a 90mins video, you make sure you have enough food for at least 3 movies.
    • During all this, the voices in your head take control over you gradually, until you end up void of life. Fuck everything.
    • You start imagining yourself hanging from the ceiling with a noose around your neck. You imagine your parents receiving the news. Poor mom. The image repeats itself. You imagine yourself crashing the car again, but this time you end up losing all your memory. Fucking amnesia.
    • You imagine yourself being shot or stabbed or beaten up till your face doesn’t look like a face anymore.
    • You start walking in those alleyways your parents warned you about and hope someone would get in your way. You want to get into a fight and torture whoever tries to hurt you. You want them to feel the pain and beg for it to stop. But you don’t stop. You won’t stop.

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