#00038: You (Part 2)

**Written on July 30 2015. The first day of my worst relapse. Unmodified.
  • You’re overweight. You have no reason to live but the fear of regretting dying. You’re only doing what you’re doing because you’re bound by the scholarship rules to a specific sponsor. They pay for your fees, and you eventually work for them. You have it all. You must be thankful. But your not. You’re an ungrateful piece of shit unworthy of any good.
  • Why not do drugs? And that’s how the end of ride begins. It starts with one type  and small doses. With time, you end up mixing it all up and increasing the doses. Drugs become your life. You prepare a fix to sleep. When that’s done, you prepare a hit for tomorrow morning. When those are done, you prepare something to make you go  sleep while you’re under the influence of the shit you’ve just prepared,
  • Therapy is useless. Books are useless. You tried fucking everything. Even drugs reach a point when they’re just habits without an effect. Now fucking what?
  • You’re writing this because you were high when you took your exams last year. And the year before. You’ve been taking your exams while stoned out of your brains for the past few years. You passed because you got lucky.
  • You’re writing this because you’ve just wasted the last 10 years of your life getting fucked around by your mood swings.
  • You wrote in your journal in 2009 that you don’t want medicine. You don’t want a medical degree. But you still kept going. You never listen to yourself.
  • You’re writing this because you hate your father and wish he would die soon. You were and will never be good enough for any acknowledgements. You’re nothing but a failure.
  • You’re writing this because you haven’t spoken to your oldest brother for more than 15 years. And now he’s dead. You had to identify his body. Now his son is fatherless. You will never speak to your brother again. Your parents lied to you. They said things will be better when you grow up. Liars.
  • Your brother is dead. Your mother is getting older and sicker. Your father is growing more egocentric and obnoxious. Your family is fucked up. You ran away after high school under the pretense of a college degree you never actually wanted.
  • You went to medical school to make your father happy. You naïvely believed by going to medical school your father will finally be able to pull a smile and things will be better at home. Nothing fucking changed. Whatever you do will never be enough for that bastard.
  • You’re writing this because you want to be there for your nephew while he grows up, but you’ll only ever be the useless uncle who is worthless and helpless.
  • You’re writing this because you want to sleep and never wake up again.

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