#00080: Day 1

Friday – May 20 2016 (Day 1)

I woke up feeling energetic and excited. I’m hoping to surprise my wife by flying to her country without her knowing, and then just simply show up at her pace.
I had a nice dream this morning. I don’t remember what it was.

Wait, let me focus for a second…

Nothing. I just remember feeling good through it and afterwards.

Now, the good feeling can (is) probably due to the drug binge I had yesterday.

No alcohol was involved, which is probably why I’m not feeling like shit today.

Or, in addition to no alcohol, I kept popping Lyrica without even giving a fuck to the dose I’m taking. Judging from the leftovers, I had over 2000mg (+2g) of that thing.

I’m not sure if the excitement is fueled by yesterday’s binge or today’s surprise.

I genuinely miss my wife. She got her results yesterday and is now officially hold an MD. Playing doctor will be more accurate from now on.

The cravings are coming soon. I can’t feel them, mind you, due to the presence of whatever I ingested yesterday. I guess I did that on purpose so I don’t feel like shit as soon as I wake up.

(15:14 – airplane to Q8)

I couldn’t resist the temptation of lighting up a cigarette and chill in the lounge. It’s not weakness .. It’s more like “one more last time” kind of thing.

I’m scared of flying. Why? Because I’m scared of dying. My job is mainly aimed towards the cause of death of people. Person A dropped dead after feeling exhausted. He was 29. Person B slept and never woke up. She was 32. And so on.

My job consists of dissecting those people and trying to find out the real cause of death.

I’m an ex-smoker (back at it again). I’m a drinker (not sure how my liver looks like). I took pills like they were super tic-tacs. I’m so scared of dying it’s all I can think about .. What have I left on this earth to never be forgotten .. I don’t want to be forgotten .. I want to be remembered .. I need to .. Otherwise what’s the point of living?

I need to make a difference; albeit minuscule, I need to make any sort of good difference ..

I’m grateful for having an amazing mother; I would die making sure she’s safe.

I’m grateful for having wonderful sisters from another monster; their feelings are directly reflected upon my own. I love them more than anything; they’re the sisters I always dreamed of.

I’m very grateful for having such a wonderful wife. She so unique my limit d vocabulary can’t even describe her. She’s beautiful, wonderful, amazing, understanding, real, simple, unique (did I mention that already?) … I’m just so lucky for having her .. She’s a blessing; a wonderful gift to an unworthy person .. She’s the one I need in good or bad .. She’s doesn’t judge; never! She’s there for me whenever and wherever ….

I love you all; my cousins, my mother, and especially me wife ..

Love is unique .. Love comes in different shapes, forms and types ..

I’m on the plane bound to Kuwait .. I’m surprising my wife .. I hope she likes the surprise .. I wish I could make her happy forever .. I will try to make her happy forever ..

This is my first day away from pills .. I’m still feeling what I binged on yesterday .. I chose cigarettes as an alternative; I believe I can control cigarettes .. I’m not that weak, you know … I’m stronger than you can ever imagine ..

I will be clean by the end of next week!

That’s my message from the plane to Kuwait ..

Do NOT underestimate my strengths .. I can be an annoying asshole with multiple complaints, but I’m also strong with multiple strengths ….

 

Categories: Cold Turkey, The Journal

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