#00116: Ranting about something

I can be an asshole sometimes.
I’m prone to anger outbursts.
Wait, that’s not what I want to write about.

This post is an update on my mood. It’s been more than 1 month since I was in that old place – dark, narrow, helpless, hopeless, worthless, shameful, regretful, angry, ..etc.
After years of struggling with mental illness, I finally began to see that ray of sunshine people told me about.
I wish there was a concrete set of steps to follow; what works for me might make things worse for someone else, and vice versa.

I read so many self-help books to the point where I fucking hate self-help books. I tried therapy, medications, meditation, whateveration. Nothing worked.

Guess what? My mood is still the same.
You see, the thing is, my mood is in my head – sure, there are physical manifestations – but the God of mood is the brain.

Why did I write this post? Because I wish I could say no. I wish I could tell people that I can’t help them right now. I wish I had the audacity to focus on myself.
Focusing on myself isn’t selfish. Saying NO isn’t selfish. As a matter of fact, what’s wrong with being selfish sometimes?

I’m not used to sharing my life with the internet.
There’s a current dip in my mood, but it’s OK. I can handle it.

14 replies »

  1. I can totally relate. I’ve had some form of mental illness for much of my life including Schizophrenia and depression…makes me sound like a maniac huh? That’s part of the problem… we still feel shit about talking. Talk to me any time… I’ve many approaches but also believe in the power of reaching out! Well done you. Peace. x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Phoebe for the kind words. Your support has been noted. You’re right, it can feel like shit talking about it – especially with someone who cannot understand what you’re trying to say. One of the worst things I had to deal with was continuously being told that “I choose to be depressed or anxious or bipolar. I choose to feel the way I feel.”
      You’ll probably relate to the following: one of the worst things about mental illness is that I kept telling myself that there’s nothing wrong with me and I’m just being an annoying, little cunt who has more than he needs but still finds nothing to be satisfying. It took me years before I finally reached out to the medical field (keep in mind I was a medical student at the time).

      On a more personal level, my most recent “epiphany” is realizing that I need to stop focusing on the outside world and begin focusing inwards without any labels or judgments or anything.
      I’m still the same person inside, but I’m more observant now of my thoughts, triggers and so on.

      I can go on and on. Thanks again for your support. Sorry for the long reply.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Oh not at all! How refreshing O find it that you are willing to open up to me! Thank you. I understand more than you could possibly know and would love to expand upon a few points when I am near a keyboard, but in a nutshell if you are a highly sensitive person, which is likely given your description above, there are gifts to be found by doing just that; almost literally forget about the outside world and delve deep within. That way you will be free to mine for the gifts you hold. Beyond labels you will find your exceptional qualities in the dirt of the judgements of the world… Take forever if needs be but the work is essential!! Report back to the surface with your blog etc as and when you find the gems. You will grow! Never apologise (if possible) for your insight and thoughts… You never know who is growing beside you in the dark. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      • How did .. how did you know I’m sensitive? I’ve been told I am. I don’t know.
        That’s exactly what I’ve been slowly and gradually doing: delving deep in.
        Beyond labels. Exactly.

        Is there a Double Like button around here somewhere?

        Thank you!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ha ha! I am starting a new thing called Art Shaman hence the blog name change and it is to address the healing path for those who are a bit stuck in the underworld! I wonder if you’d be interested? Come visit my blog again and check out the Patreon links etc. You are exactly the kind of person I am trying to reach…. I’ve been where you are and you can change but not without the right approach!!! 💕✨🌾

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I can totally relate to this post. I find myself feeling a hint of depression every now and then but I don’t talk about it much because people always have to say things like “You’re not trying hard enough to be happy” etc. so I stopped talking about my feelings to people. But, hey sometimes you just have to rant about something. I’m really glad you’ve started to see that “ray of sunshine” everyone’s been talking about 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Most of the people with whom we share our feelings are usually unaware of their own, or at least that’s my observation.
      I don’t have any concrete advice to share with you re talking to people about your feelings .. Personally, I stopped discussing my internal world with anyone. Period.

      Expecting a blind man to see my bruises or a deaf man to hear my crying is unfair to all those involved.

      You know yourself better than anyone else – think about it! YOU know yourself better than ANYONE regardless of what they tell you.
      And yourself contains an infinite world of wonder, strength, darkness, awe, power .. etc.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I totally agree! And for someone to think they know about you than you would be rude, that’s what I think. Unfortunately, everyone around me thinks they know more about me than I do. But you’re right: no one knows you better than you.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I wish you well in your struggles. Life can be so difficult in just dealing with society sometimes. Here in the US it seems that most folks are having a difficult time affording to survive while all the advertising tells us about all the things that you either just have to have and about all the things everyone else but you do have that it makes a lot of people depressed. Because I know that you do not know me you may think this is just another phony cliche but I have found that for me, the more I have turned my life over to Jesus and quit worrying about what other people think, I have become much more at peace within my own Soul. You see, I have horrible health (heart and spinal/nerve damage) and I have way out lived all my doctors expectations by many years. I know that at any moment it can easily be my last. So, being able to have turned all things over to our Lord Jesus I have no fear and I have no worry and this has made my life situation within my own Soul and mind, peaceful. I hope that you will be able to find peace through His love also. Best wishes to you.

    ted

    Liked by 1 person

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