“It’s neither difficult nor easy; mood is as simple as it is complicated” X McAdam
Back in October/November 2015 I found myself lying in bed filled with emptiness.
I was staring at the ceiling; my mind was quiet.
Indifference. Emotionless. Nothing mattered.
My mind was quiet for the first time.
There was only one thought in my head: how do I kill myself?
The question wasn’t whether or not I should kill myself or why I should end my life.
I was simply interested in designing a simple, efficient, painless death.
I hated life. I hated everything and everyone.
There wasn’t a single thought about the consequences of my suicide.
There was no past. There was no future.
I just wanted to stop living this life.
Something was holding me back.
“There must be more to life than the thoughts and voices in my head,” I thought to myself.
I wanted to kill myself because I can’t fit in.
I wanted to kill myself because I’m a fucking hypocrite.
I wanted to kill myself because I’m a fucking failure.
I’m a worthless, useless, degenerate, a piece of shit unworthy of the oxygen I waste.
Is this life?
Birth. Childhood. Puberty. Adulthood.
School. College. Work. Marriage. Children. Death.
AND THEN FUCKING WHAT?
Everything I believed about life turned out to be a lie.
Good rarely beats Evil.
Man kills man.
Poli-fucking-tics. (Greek: Poli: Bull; tics: Shit)
Greed. Envy. Arrogance. Ignorance.
Not a single day goes by without killing.
Not a single day goes by without conflict.
The news is filled with perspectives.
The internet is filled with people arguing in the comments about grammar and spelling.
Hate. So much fucking hate.
I’m right, you’re wrong.
I’m smart, you’re dumb.
I’m God, you’re not.
Is this why I got good grades in school?
Is this why I had to be polite?
Is this why I had to listen attentively before speaking?
Is this why I stupidly believed in everlasting love and friendship?
Is this why I pretended to want to study Medicine?
I failed to heal my mother.
I failed to fix my parents’ relationship.
I failed to bring my family together.
That was my dream: a happy family having lunch and dinner together, laughing and listening to old stories about how life used to be; the beautiful past, the future with all it has to offer.
Regret. Shame. Fucking guilt. I was being eaten from the inside.
I failed to help my oldest brother.
He’s dead now. I examined him in the morgue. He was cold and filled with death.
We never had a conversation. The last time he spoke to me directly was in 2000. That’s 15 years before he died.
I couldn’t cry. I’m not allowed to cry because everyone else is crying.
No. I had to be strong. I had to stay strong for the entire world.
I didn’t kill myself because I saw how my brother’s death broke my entire family.
Even in death I couldn’t be selfish. And this made things even worse.
One day, I wrote a contract between myself and my future self.
This Blog is part of that contract.
July 19 is my birthday. The contract states that if I still had the exact same thoughts about life on July 19 the next year i.e. July 19 2016, I will follow my initial desire to end my life.
The contract was simple:
- I gave myself one year to live; one year to try and see if it was worth living.
- I will do everything I hate.
- I will laugh even when it’s not funny.
- I will mingle with strangers and “friends” even if I wasn’t comfortable.
- I will be fake. I will be stupid. I will make all the mistakes I was afraid to make.
- I will be criticized and laughed at. And I will laugh at myself with myself regardless of why.
- If I had no energy, I will go to the fish market.
- If my mood was fucking down, I will watch stupid YouTube videos and enjoy reading the comments.
- If I wasn’t hungry, I will make sure I binge.
- I will fuck life with a big smile on my face, and I will laugh if life attempted to fuck me.
- I will not follow everything on the list because I fucking said so.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Tomorrow is July 19.
The journey isn’t over yet.
“But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.” – Albert Camus
Categories: The Journal