#00125: Year 1

I started this blog because I thought I was a failure.
Failure.
I didn’t continue my Medical studies. I was fucking scared.
What was I if not a doctor? What have I achieved?
What’s my legacy?

I started this blog on July 26 2015. Why? Because I’m a failure.
I gained weight. I was bingeing on a daily basis.
A few months before that, my oldest brother passed away.
I haven’t spoken to him since .. I’ve never had a conversation with my brother.
And now he’s dead and I have to pretend that I’m strong. I had to be strong for my family.
I’m not strong; I’m a fucking failure.

August 2015. I got into 4 accidents in less than 6 hours. I almost died but I didn’t care.
I was so fucking high I don’t remember anything.

September & October 2015. London. My biggest drug binge ever.
I vomited phlegm. I peed blood. My diarrhea was uncontrollable. I didn’t know where I was. So much fucking drugs.
I just wanted to forget how much of a failure I am.

November 2015. Suicidal. Fuck life. Fuck my family.
A couple of people know about my tumor. No one cares.
Even in sickness I was too fucking scared to share.

And then I kept on binging on food and pills.
I went to prison for a few days. I didn’t know where I was or why I was there.
Hallucinations. Visual and auditory hallucinations.

Months went by. Nothing changed.

And here I am. July 26 2016.
One full year of blogging.
One year of change.

Subconsciously I wanted to leave something on this Earth before I die.
I wanted to be remembered; I need to be acknowledged.
That’s why I started this blog. I’m trying to be heard and understood.
I want to prove to myself (or to You; the voices in my head) that I’m not completely worthless. I’m not a failure, sir.

I want to express my deep gratitude to everyone that has been supporting me.

July 26 2017 will have a summary of a much better year. I promise.

46 replies »

  1. I sure hope you know that you are loved and greatly appreciated on WordPress. Thank you for sharing this post and I sure hope that 2017 will be the summary of a better year for you. Keep holding on! I believe you’ll make it ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Your story really moved me. I want to leave some sort of words of encouragement but I don’t really know what to say except that you are worth something, and if nothing else, you have succeeded in touching me with your writing. Just keep on keeping on ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m humbled by your comment. I wish I could write you a comment that shows how grateful I am for your words.
      Your words mean a lot to me; you’ve succeeded in touching me with your comment. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  3. Touching and inspiring. I have been through a lower than rock bottom phase too. Still recovering from the depression and everything else that follows it. This gives me some more strength. Thanks for posting this ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s hard, Priyanka. Everyone can see a fractured bone and understand your pain. But psychological pain – pain that only you can see and feel – can be much worse.
      Doctors might prescribe some pill that you need to take for some time before it works (if it ever does work).
      I can go on and on โ€ฆ

      My advice is the worst kind of advice I had, but it’s the most effective: hang in there. You’re much stronger than your mood. You are not your feelings. F**k what people think; even those close to you can turn out to be a***oles.

      Stay strong. I’m here is you ever wanted to discuss anything.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you so much for sharing such an encouraging story. It’s not how you begin but how you finish, and it’s obvious you’ve made great progress! May God bless you and give you a better year ahead!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Life will slap you around, throw you on the ground, kick your face, break your bones, and when you’re on the verge of giving up, it will carry you and show you why it did what it did – only if you allow it to explain.

      Sorry about the above rant :p and thanks for commenting ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  5. Honest and brute in admission. >ClapClap< for your courage to say these words. You are a failure? Who isn't? Its just a relative term. Compare and you shall be miserable. Accept deeply the life as it comes…at the least, it help one to live peacefully. Just keep writing and pouring out. Something that will be here for others to read.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for your words – it was indeed something straight from the soul. I wish I had better words to express my gratitude for your words and encouragement. Thanks! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

      • Remember…that sum total of all human life is not what you do, but how you do it. You can be sad and do things with sadness. The life will seem a drag a failure. You could do even small things with such delight as a child finds in everything around it. Then life is a game. Nothing serious about it. There are 1001 things to make you feel miserable and 1001 to make you feel happy. Choice is to be made inside. How do you want to face it. I have been through many years of feeling depressed and a failure. Maybe not as deep as you, but those were really dark times in my life. I learned a few lessons and move on. One day life will go away and it will happen to each one of us. What matters is how you lived it; because dead is same for everyone. So, cheer up and stop comparing and start living each day as it comes. You are getting the love of so many people now. Do not give up!

        Hugs Bro!

        Liked by 1 person

      • So pleased you have turned it around from that chaotic self-destruction. What I found when I was full on using was that I actually enjoyed the self-destruction as I thought I wanted to die so the more risks I took the better. You need to get a period of clean time to recover some sanity to realise you do not want to die. I don’t know what will happen with your tumor. I hope that now you have turned your life around that all is not lost…

        Liked by 1 person

  6. When I was a kid, before GPS navigation, we’d be on our way somewhere and after a while I’d say, “Dad, are we lost?” He’d respond with a chuckle and say, “Sweetie, we’re never lost, we’re just taking a different path.” Your post reminded me of that moment. I’ve failed at a lot of things and think it means something about myself. The truth is though, we can’t fail at what we’re meant to do. I don’t know if you believe in fate and purpose, but I do. Every single cluster of atoms on this planet has a unique purpose; the coral reefs provide sanctuary for newborn sea creatures, the mushroom revives the soil, the bees pollinate crops and flowers, etc. The theme is that they aren’t aware of their purpose — they simply listen to their instinct. The point to all of this is simple — you aren’t a failure. You tried something that wasn’t your purpose. It was painful for you because you wanted it to be the truth. But the universe/God whatever you believe in, has bigger plans for you my friend! No need to hang in anywhere — focus on what you love, what makes your soul happy, what brings joy into your life because you’re simply taking a new path! Get excited man! You’ve got so many followers that support you because you’re excellent at this. Focus on what’s working in your life and by the law of attraction, you’ll be rewarded. Thanks for sharing — you are very brave!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Wow. I’m wordless/speechless.
      Can I be honest? Your reply is both heartfelt and sad. It’s heartfelt because it’s genuine. It’s sad because it rings a bell of truthiness.

      I used to tell myself that everything has a purpose/meaning behind it; death, the atrocities we observe in the world – although I’m 27, I still carry those naive, childish thoughts about the world – politeness, respect, friendship, love, family, good vs. evil, …etc
      Sadly, I stopped discussing a lot of things because I can’t handle arguments or disagreements.

      The sad part is that I don’t know what makes my soul happy. I thought it was helping people; hence deciding to study Medicine.
      But that was a lie. I studied Medicine so that people admire me – I wanted to be admired, acknowledged, appreciated and accepted. I wanted to be friends with everyone.
      Do you know the saying “Satisfying all is an unattainable goal”? I believed I could disapprove that and show the world that it is possible to satisfy everyone.
      And I did. But guess what? I forgot to satisfy myself.

      I’m 27 and I have no goals or ambitions. I’ve been looking for something for more than 7 years now. Back in college, I tried mostly everything; clubs, volunteering, sport, ..etc.
      I was never satisfied. I blamed myself. In fact, I hated myself, so I abused drugs to feel good.

      You’re right. I agree with what you said. My obstacle is: I don’t know what I love. I don’t know what makes my soul happy. The thing I love is being high – sad, but true. I’m not proud of it, but that’s the only thing I find joy in.

      I love listening to people; I love listening to their stories, their life, their ideas.

      I’m sorry for the long reply. Your comment touched something deep within me and hence the rant.

      Thanks for sharing ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

      • Absolutely you can be honest! And since that door is open for both of us I’m going to be honest too and hopefully, I don’t cross a line…but here goes: you still aren’t satisfied because you don’t want to be. And quit it with the jaded smack — you’re only 27 not 89 going on 101.

        Easy for me to say and no, I am not some guru who has it all together (quite the opposite). I have to write out reasons to be satisfied with my life every day. Cause guess what? I totally get you re the drug abuse. I’ve been there too. And I was an alcoholic. You still hate yourself for reasons that are your own. And that’s preventing you from moving forward in your mind. My comment didn’t inspire you because in this moment, you don’t want to be inspired. You’re content to be in this negative space. Perhaps it makes you feel validated. Drop it all and start feeling equally, start feeling effectively because emotion is biased. Because nothing is ever black or white. Sometimes it’s hard to see one color but they’re both always there. If you can list all the ways your life isn’t working, you can list all the ways it is.

        What’s working in your life? Make a list.

        You hate yourself for failing because you somehow proved everyone (and yourself) right? Write down all the ways you proved them wrong too.

        You don’t know what you love? Sounds to me like you do — you love writing, sharing your story, helping people through the words that pour from your soul, listening to their stories. Why is this not good enough for you? Make a list of all the reasons it IS good enough for you.

        You were a drug addict? F*ck your shame. That’s f*cking awesome man — wear it like a badge of honor. The fact you overcame the addiction is a testament to how strong you are, how resilient. You don’t have to stick a needle in your arm or down a bottle of jack to be an addict either. Addictions come in thousands of forms; people all around the world have them and aren’t even aware of it. You recognized yours and put an end to it. Again, be proud of that, not ashamed — I am proud of you and I don’t even know you. I’m proud of myself too.

        This is starting to get long so I’ll stop there. I think you get my drift. You are an AWESOME human being that has so much to offer this world. But only YOU can decide what you have to offer — not a single damn person be it friend or foe. If you can’t accept that you have something to offer, then no one else will either. You rock. You write with such grace and poise. You’ve got plenty going for you. Focus your time and energy on what you love that makes your life mean something, that makes your life better. You focus on that and stay grateful for all that the universe/God has and will provide you, and you’ll be set for life. I believe in you. You just have to believe in yourself.

        You are not a failure. You’re on a different –better– path.

        Much love โค

        Liked by 2 people

      • How do you know me? You’re right. I’m probably too scared to admit that I like something or that I have a goal. Why? I’m probably too scared to fail.
        I quit my studies because I was too scared that I won’t make a difference in this world. Everyone (or most people) have heard about Einstein. They know Micheal Jackson. And so I wanted my name to remembered as well.
        I continuously view my life as a biography – and I don’t like how it reads. Nothing special about my childhood. No special traits. No special talents. I tested my IQ a couple of times, but I never believed the results. I don’t believe in the IQ test anyways.
        I’m scared of admitting that I love writing because I’m not stephen king. I’m not JK Rowling. I’m not James Joyce.

        LOL. This is getting long again.

        You know what scares me the most in this world? Meeting amazing people like you who could see through all my BS and expose the real me. Even behind this anonymous name you were still able to see what I call “the boy behind the mirror”.

        Reciprocated Love โคโคโค

        Like

      • Meh, who cares if itโ€™s getting long. Itโ€™s your blog!

        Do you know what Stephen King, JK Rowling, James Joyce, Einstein and Michael Jackson all have in common? They all simply focused on what they loved. And because of that, they succeeded in doing that which was their calling.

        You know, my Dad had an interesting interaction with J.K. Rowling before her Harry Potter franchise. She lived in Scotland for a time while my Dad lived there. He said that theyโ€™d both go to the same coffee shop every week and heโ€™d see her by the window writing scribbles on napkins. One day, he asked if he could take a seat and she told him all about this imaginary world she wanted to write out. And he remembered being so excited for herโ€ฆ.and now look at her. All because she never stopped doing what she loved. Whether it was scribbles on napkins or talking to strangers in coffee shops she just focused on what she loved, what her heart (not her mind) told her was where she was meant to be.

        Seriously man, you have got to clear up your headspace and remove this notion that you have to measure up to someone or you will always fail. Because you are NOT them. Down to your very genetic code, you are not them and most importantly, they are not you. Focus on what youโ€™ve got going for you. I know you can do it. Stay in touch!

        <3<3<3

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Keep moving forward! It takes a lot of strength to be this honest publicly. If you can go through all that and still be here to talk acknowledge then it shows very much that you’re not a failure. Wishing you success!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I read your interview with Christian M.
    I can relate. It took me at least 10 years to muster enough courage to start a blog because of fear of being judged. Even though I already contemplated on staying โ€œanonymousโ€ I still wasnโ€™t confident enough. I feel that by remaining anonymous, Iโ€™ll be able to help more people by staying authentic and keeping it real because once I have revealed my identity, Iโ€™ll always think that not only will I be judged, people at work or in my community might start talking about me and will find out about my past and Iโ€™m just one person who is stuck in the prison of other peopleโ€™s opinions. Oh, how I hate myself for it but I canโ€™t help it. I have told myself so many times that I shouldnโ€™t give an F! but here I amโ€ฆ ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
    That kind of attitude leads to unhappiness, depression, anxiety. Story of my life! So I’m keeping my blog hoping to grow some “balls” so that maybe someday I can finally tell those people to F*#k off! lol

    I like your blog. Just gave you a โ€œfollowโ€. ๐Ÿ™‚
    Keep going.

    NAMASTE!
    Live โค Laugh โ€ฆ Belle Papillon

    Liked by 2 people

  9. How can you be a failure if you went through all that and you’re still alive? How can you be a failure when God loves you so much that he made you perfect before you were born and he knows every hair on your head? Use everything you went through to help and encourage other people that are not as strong as you are. God loves you so much that he created you for his purpose – live out the purpose you were created for, live life in Jesus. May God bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

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