I started this blog because I thought I was a failure.
I didn’t continue my Medical studies. I was fucking scared.
What was I if not a doctor? What have I achieved?
What’s my legacy?
I started this blog on July 26 2015. Why? Because I’m a failure.
I gained weight. I was bingeing on a daily basis.
A few months before that, my oldest brother passed away.
I haven’t spoken to him since .. I’ve never had a conversation with my brother.
And now he’s dead and I have to pretend that I’m strong. I had to be strong for my family.
I’m not strong; I’m a fucking failure.
August 2015. I got into 4 accidents in less than 6 hours. I almost died but I didn’t care.
I was so fucking high I don’t remember anything.
September & October 2015. London. My biggest drug binge ever.
I vomited phlegm. I peed blood. My diarrhea was uncontrollable. I didn’t know where I was. So much fucking drugs.
I just wanted to forget how much of a failure I am.
November 2015. Suicidal. Fuck life. Fuck my family.
A couple of people know about my tumor. No one cares.
Even in sickness I was too fucking scared to share.
And then I kept on binging on food and pills.
I went to prison for a few days. I didn’t know where I was or why I was there.
Hallucinations. Visual and auditory hallucinations.
Months went by. Nothing changed.
And here I am. July 26 2016.
One full year of blogging.
One year of change.
Subconsciously I wanted to leave something on this Earth before I die.
I wanted to be remembered; I need to be acknowledged.
That’s why I started this blog. I’m trying to be heard and understood.
I want to prove to myself (or to You; the voices in my head) that I’m not completely worthless. I’m not a failure, sir.
I want to express my deep gratitude to everyone that has been supporting me.
July 26 2017 will have a summary of a much better year. I promise.
Categories: The Journal