#00161: Post a Day – 4

Fear is a fucking asshole.

Sometimes I forget the big picture and fall victim to those small obstacles obscuring my path. Pieces of paper become a matter of life or death – the bureaucratic mammoth that controls our stupid systems crushes my will to live.
What will happen if this happened?
What if that happened?

I allow silly things to ruin my moment.

It obscures the fact that I will be a father soon.
There’s a another heart beating inside my wife and it will need me. Actually, I need that little heart. I need that reason to live; to push, to hustle, to not give up. Am I in the wrong to depend on my unborn child?
Yet, I allowed motherfuckers in college to ruin the true beauty that I must look forward to.

I already have a college degree. It doesn’t matter though. Being a father will be the greatest honor I will ever receive.

I miss my wife. I miss leaning on her. I miss her smile. I miss upsetting her. I miss touching her.
I miss my wife; can I say that enough?

Starting tomorrow, there will be a count to how many cigarettes I smoke, how many times I smoke shisha and for how long.
Oh, and it’s about time to observe my binging habit.

Change doesn’t come by wishing. Fuck college. Fuck bureaucracy. I’m literally fucking up my health to satisfy my sponsors and to get that piece of paper.
Well, I’m a rebel.
I decided to put myself, my health, before the external world.
I consciously decide to focus on myself before Β the external world.

I have a family now.

Can you remind me that I’m complaining about nonsense next time you read something negative?
This blog means a lot more than what I’m currently dealing with.

Much love to all of you.

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7 replies »

  1. It sounds like you have a lot of positive to look forward to. It has got to be very difficult to be apart from your family at this time in your life. I am glad that you are making decisions that are going to benefit your own health, and ultimately, your family.

    Don’t question your feelings about your unborn child, this is a special time in your life. If that is your motivation, you hold on to it and move forward.

    Congratulations on this wonderful news. If you ever want to talk about kids or feelings regarding them, I’m good at that topic πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • I will definitely be asking you for your experience, tips, and all that very soon. I’m just currently amazed that I’ve become a regular blogger. It is in my agenda to soon actually engage with the community instead of just focusing on my own blog.
      Thanks a million, crazykatya! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I still smoke cigarettes, eat bad and I don’t like exercising (not yet, but I WILL get healthier). Some day I hope to look at your past posts and catch up. I think I have A.D.D. so it’s hard to focus for too long. All I can say for now is be kind to yourself. “Easy does it”, as they say in the program. You’re right about FEAR though…. he’s a prick. Be well. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fear is an asshole that deserves to be kicked right in the balls (Yes. Fear is a “he”) πŸ˜›
      I will also catch up on your blog soon. Easy does it, as you just said. I’m simply glad I have you as part of the journey. Stay strong! (me too) and have a wonderful day! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words. You’re right, I shouldn’t be focusing on perfection. The thing is, I’m only trying to give up some bad habits I’ve picked up in the past few turns, which have turned into addictions. To add insult to injury, I’m currently in a place that will look nice if you’ve travelled to as a tourist, not as a temporary-permanent resident.

      But you’re right, beauty perhaps cannot be made without struggle.

      Thanks again for the comment πŸ™‚ and I hope you enjoy your travels.

      Liked by 1 person

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