#00166: The Last Binge – Part 1

Post a Day – 9

Qatar. Early 2008.
I’d just come back from Sheffield after quitting my course.
The straight-A student had just failed.
My 18 year old (almost 19) self couldn’t face the world, so it locked itself inside the room.
I couldn’t face my dad. He asked a lot of questions I didn’t have answers to.
I don’t know what I’ll do, father.
The look on his face – the look of disapproval, disappointment and disgust.
I’m disgusting. 
I am disappointment.
The look on my poor mother’s face – sad because her child is sad.
She’s already sick, you asshole, and now you’re making it worse.
You’re making it worse for an already fucked up family.

A new opportunity arises. A new scholarship. A new sponsor.
Suddenly, I didn’t need to sit in my room taking sleeping pills and watching old movies in the dark. (The beginning of getting high and watching videos).
Somehow, I got myself out of the room and into the gym.
I started learning MMA.
I would workout from 3pm till 9pm everyday, 5 days a week.
When the weekend came, I felt like shit. I wanted it to be over so I can start working out again.
I did this for 7 months – working out 6 hours a day, 5 days a week.

September 2008. My new journey in London began.
The day I landed was the day I started getting high. I was fucking scared.
I kept getting high on a daily basis, but on a strict schedule.
Gym in the morning before school.
Subway breakfast.
Subway lunch.
Home. Get high till I sleep.
Next day. Repeat.


London. Early 2010.
Just received the 4th rejection from a UK medical school. That’s 4 out of 4 rejections.
I had just failed in getting in university.
I have failed.
My hair is beginning to fall – large chunks keep falling when I take a shower.
I’m a fucking failure.
I applied to a medical school in Ireland in a moment of pure surrender. I was sure it was going to be my 5th rejection.
I was wrong. I got a conditional offer. I must obtain a specific grade to get in.
There was hope. But only for a day.

Exams were coming up soon. I’m too scared to fail. I don’t want to go back home empty handed. I’ve already quit once before.
I don’t want to go back to locking myself in my room. I’m off the drugs. I’ve been off the drugs for some time.
So, I started eating.
Everyday, right after college, I would buy a lot of food, go home, sit down in front of my laptop, watch documentaries and eat. (The beginning of my bingeing habit).
I didn’t know at the time what I was doing was called bingeing.
I simply felt good eating the same foods in large quantities everyday while watching documentaries.
I did not gain any weight, though. Why? 2 main reason. First of all, I still went to the gym everyday, even if I didn’t put in the effort I once put. Secondly, I ate all that food in the afternoon, and not before bed.

I digress.

I got accepted in RCSI. My London journey was over.
I got accepted into a respected medical school.
My sponsors were happy.
My family was happy.
Hence, I was happy.






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