#00177: A day in the life of Me.

Sometimes I write down short notes when an idea for a post hits me:
– politics, religion and sex.
– Love: a habit.
– Proper planning primary principle presumes perseverance.
– Reading. Outdated.
– Fitness: fad or fundamental?

These are all just examples of some of the things I want to write about.
But then I end up writing what I’m feeling.

And today’s feeling is Fear.

6:03am: I just opened my eyes.

I’m scared of quitting drugs because of the withdrawals. How can I handle life without drugs? How can I handle the morning panic? How can I deal with the unanswered questions and the dilemmas in my head?

6:04am: I shifted in bed preparing to get up.

What if something happens to my unborn child? What if something happens to my wife? When will I go to the gym? What f I fail school? What if I can’t remember? What if I get stuck in an elevator? What if I get hit by a car? What if I get bitten by a crazy motherfucking dog?

6:05am: I check my phone before getting up.

Shit. What should I do when the washing machine starts leaking? Why is my back aching so much; is it cancer? Do I have stones in my kidneys? Is something wrong with my bladder?

It’s 6:06am and my exam is in less than 3 hours.

I didn’t study. I couldn’t. All I saw were details upon details which have no value. Also, why teach in English when your clearly can’t speak it? One letter can make a difference – what the hell does YVOS stand for anyways? And why was it changed to WVUS later?

The subject is called Microbiology; why the fuck are we learning biochemistry? Who cares about different types of microscopes? Why can’t they explain it in a much simpler way? don’t want to fail. What will happen if I do? What if I fail and then I get so depressed I decide to quit school again? How can I handle failure without the anxiolytic effects I got used to? How will I handle communicating with people without it?

I get out of bed and realize my dull back ache is still there. I walk to the living room and realize my apartment is messy and unorganized.

When will I sort this mess out? Where do I buy what I need for the apartment? They don’t use any internet related service in this shithole; to find what I need I must ask people. Who do I ask? I think I need bed sheets. Actually, I’ll postpone that until before my wife comes here.

6:15am: I swallow 2 pills without water. My mouth is dry. I drink the left over juice I bought yesterday. 

When will I wash my clothes? Shit. I’m scared of the exam. What if I get the lowest grade in class? What if failing this test affects me in the finals? Oh fuck. I also noticed the back pain is relieved by peeing, but I rarely urinate these days.

6:18am: I wear the clothes I threw on the couch yesterday. I spray a concoction of perfumes in order to mask any bodily scents I got so used to that I can’t smell anymore. 

When will I be able to get my own car over here? How do I quit smoking? What will I do if I stop smoking shisha? I was never off nicotine for more than a few months. I don’t remember how I did it. Fuck. I guess I used to be a disciplined bitch who never believed in himself. Now I’m a quitter who still doesn’t believe in himself. Where do I study from? This new system is killing me. Too many details, no clear resources. What is someone dents my rented car again? Will the rental shop people yell at me? How much will they charge me for damaging their car? I need my own car ASAP. What do I start with first? How can I prioritize my life? How can I not quit?

6:23am: I pack my bag. I make sure I have everything in my pockets, put on my shoes, and double check lights and electricity are off. Leave the apartment. Walk to the car.

It is now 6:42am. My exam is in less than 2 hours. I take another pill because I want the first kick of the day to be perfect.

Why are stupid drivers stupid? Why are reckless drivers even worse? Why can’t people just be less stupid? I hate this place. Quitting school in Ireland was a huge mistake. Back in Ireland, life was so easy to the extent that my main issue was what’s happening inside my head. I didn’t have to worry about someone ripping me off because of my background. Everyone here tries to tip you off once they know you come from a rich country. Fucking assholes. They sweet-talk you before ripping you off. By sweet-talk I mean they bullshit you without even a smile. Smile when you lie to me, asshole!

Driving to school. Traffic is bad as usual. A two-lanes road turns into 4 lanes. Some cars are even driving in the opposite direction because fuck you that’s why.

7:26am: Car parked. Can’t feel the pills yet.

Long walk. I’m too unfit to walk all this distance. Will I die of lung cancer or heart disease? Will the cancer wake up and decide to fuck things around? Will I ever see my unborn child? Will my unborn child be healthy? Will I die before I see my unborn baby grow? There are bees everywhere. I hate bees because I’m scared of them. Why do they keep buzzing towards me? Shit, I can’t remember what’s the difference between something and something. I’m going to fail the exam. I’m going to fuck my chances of getting a good grade. That’s all because those fuckers at school kept telling me to come tomorrow, and tomorrow turned into registering for my courses a month after they started. I wish I knew this was going to happen sooner so I could’ve prepared myself. I wish I understood this fucked up system of nonsense. Will they read these words and throw me in jail? What if they kidnap me!? I don’t want to be raped in prison. I don’t want to be beaten up. Will I cry when they punch me around? Physical things hurt me. They cause physical pain. Bruises. I’ll cry when they’re done beating me around; when I’m alone with my thoughts. Will I see my mother again? My wife? Will someone know I’ve been imprisoned for writing about their fucked up society? Maybe I shouldn’t post anything on my blog.

People around me are studying. Some are revising with each other out loud. They memorize everything verbatim. There’s only 10 minutes left before the exam and they’re asking stupid questions out loud.

Shit. I don’t know the answer. Fuck. My memory has been damaged. Shit. Exam hall is open.

8:15am. Exam. Test is fucking easy – only if I had studied. I didn’t study and now I’m regretting it.

I remember seeing these words but I never gave it any attention. Microbiology for medics and all they keep asking about are microscopes. WTF.

8:23am. I finish 45 questions in 8 minutes. I submit. 57%. That’s a pass. I could’ve done better. Left the hall. I’m not upset – pills kicking in? 

And then it happened. Brain chemicals have begun to send positive messages. The mind is expanding with ideas.

No more worries. Everything is simple. Everything is solvable. Nothing is worth all this worry. “So what” my brain tells me. So what you didn’t do well? You’ll get back up and crush the next exams in a month. These test are an introduction to how things work around here. And, hey, I passed!

Thoughts. Now I’m able to think beyond my current situation and look at life from different perspectives. I want to talk about many things, such as:

– politics, religion and sex.

– Love: a habit.

– Proper planning primary principle presumes perseverance. 

– Reading. Outdated.

– Fitness: fad or fundamental?

I will write something when I get back home. Now, I want to listen to music and smoke cigarettes. (The pills I take make cigarettes taste so good).

I drive back to the apartment. I’m feeling good about life. I’m laughing and joking with my wife in the phone. My head is filled with ideas and plans and goals.

Confidence, I am. Confident in myself, my abilities – I passed an exam without studying, and I got a full mark in another. 

I can’t see any reason for fear or negativity. Why anxious when nothing is worth it and everything is manageable? 

I don’t know. It’s doesn’t matter, anyways, because tomorrow is a new day filled with positivity. 

It is now 9:27 pm. I will sleep early because tomorrow is a new day. Before that, I will binge on food ONE MORE LAST TIME.

Loop & Repeat.


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