#00179: My Story

Chapter 1

Introduction: My life from my point of view.

Middle child from a middle class family in a soon-to-be the richest the country in the world. Class clown. Trying to fix family issues. Trying to be everyone’s friend.
Moving from one country to another. Losing friends.
Body-image issues. Start smoking at 12. Change from extrovert to introvert. Voices in my head. Memories replaying.
9/11 happened. I’m a terrorist by default.
Mood issues. Start spending time alone and avoiding people.
Alcohol comes in. Marijuana/hash.


Chapter 2

University: Strike 1.

More alcohol. More weed. More drugs.
Faking being an extrovert takes up a lot of energy. More drugs.
Religion comes in. Guilt followed religion. I’m a bad person. I will go to Hell no matter what I do. Religion is dead in the 21st century. I’m a terrorist and I’m a hypocrite.
My past is fucked up. My present is being wasted. My future is lost.
Quit college.


Chapter 3

Medical School: Strike 2.

Managed to lose weight. Slowly becoming athletic. Diet controlled.
On the surface, everything is perfect. I tutored people. I gave fitness classes.
Inside, mood was fucking me up.
Religion –> guilt –> fear –> literally paralyzed by fear and guilt –> explosion –> drug binge –> fuck religion phase –> thoughts take over –> back to religion –> guilt –> fear –> ..etc. Loop and repeat.
Quit medical school.


Chapter 4

Death.

No goal in life. Drug binge. Start working. Gaining weight. Fucking up diet. More drugs. Pills come in. More pills. More drugs.
Then I get a call from my father. My oldest brother is dead.
My brother is dead.
I buried my brother.
Funeral.
Delayed grief.
Started a stupid blog called 10000posts.com
Explosion of thoughts and mood. Worst drug binge in my life.
Gained over 50kgs. Lost all hope in life. Suicidal thoughts.


Chapter 5

Marriage.

I married the girl I love. But my mood hasn’t changed.
I still need pills to survive.
More pills. Food binge.
I need help. I can’t control my thoughts. Please help me!
I met a stranger online that became a friend and played a major role in changing my life.


Chapter 6

College: third attempt.

I’m in Jordan. A new culture. I’m scared. I’m fucking scared!
I want to quit again.
My wife is not with me. I’m away from my safety net.
I don’t know what to do.
I want to die or run away and hide.


And then, one day, I walk into a small bookshop in Amman. I scout bookshops looking for the book that will change my life.
I look around and I find the perfect book.
The book is about me.
I jump to Chapter 7.
It was blank.

I decided to write it myself. It’s my story.


Chapter 7

FatBoy Project: Ultimate Transformation.

Joined a gym and designed my own program. I stuck to it because I can.
I focused in school and did very well because I can.
I felt the mood swings, I heard the voices, I saw the fear.
So, I laughed at them and shrugged them off because I can.
They say “the obstacle is the way”, so I embraced the obstacles because I can.

This is the part of the story where I get tired of succumbing to excuses. I push the bullshit aside and jump to action – not only because I can, but also because action speaks louder than words.

This is my story and I’m the writer. And the writer has decided to change the depressing pace of the story to an inspiring change. Just wait and see. 

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28 replies »

  1. Welcome back. I am so amazed at your drive and ambition, and am still here cheering for you. I am very excited for this next chapter. I am filled with hope and happiness for you, I know you are going to break through the darkness and emerge in the warm, wonderful spotlight you clearly belong in. I can’t wait to see what comes next.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s always wonderful to see you in my notifications. Always the first to like, the first to comment, the first to push and cheer. I’m humbled and honored to read your words.
      Thank you very much, crazykatya. I don’t know how to thank you for your tremendous support.
      I hope you’ll be here when Chapter 7 comes to a great conclusion 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • I am just happy that you have decided to share your amazing journey in a blog format that I can be witness to. It’s so strange to think that not long ago, following someone’s life on the other side of the world would have been a serious task – I guess I can be happy with technology for some things! I’ve found in life that sometimes, all it takes is one person in your corner cheering you on and waving a little flag to keep you going. If I can be supportive, it gives me a sense of fulfillment. So I suppose I have some selfish tendencies, haha!

        Liked by 1 person

      • It’s funny that when I started this blog, I made sure I was anonymous and no one knew who I am or where I’m from.
        Now, I’ve shared my name, age, where I’m from, and most of the events in my life.
        I also find it wonderful that a stranger in another corner of the globe has a stronger and more powerful positive effect on my life than the people I spend my time around. I suppose I’m more open and honest in my blog, and I’m mostly happy about meeting someone like you who is always cheering – I mean, just look at your display photo. It’s a mood lifter ><

        Liked by 2 people

      • Ahaha, I’m glad my avatar is fun, it’s what I was going for when I drew it! It’s interesting how you started anonymous, but then presented yourself, and during the course of this, nothing about your posts changed. You continue to be brutally honest and open, you share with the same emotion and intensity. You embrace your feelings and go with it, that is something to be proud of. Life is complicated with all the emotions, thoughts and events – finding someone to help you work through them, whether they are next to you or across the ocean, is a pretty special thing. I think we meet people for a reason, even if it’s just to share one conversation at the grocery store, you know? I am just glad I get to share these exchanges with you, and see your journey continue.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Maybe WordPress need to add some sort of messaging application to make it easier for users to have these casual conversations about life, you know? talking about different types of tea in our countries, the weather, stupid drivers ..etc 😛

        Liked by 2 people

      • Haha, same here. I mean, I enjoy the flow of the conversations, but I don’t know the etiquette of how they go – should we just comment about the post? Say something positive and reply with a thanks? Or just keep on talking? … as you can see, I’m abusing the system and I’m just rambling lol :p .. btw I like your drawings. Are/were you an anime fan?

        Liked by 2 people

      • That’s funny, I am so iffy on the comment ettiequte too! I just figure that if someone doesn’t like what I put, they’ll ignore it or delete it. I am an anime fan, yes, I continue to embrace my inner geek. I watched a lot more when I was younger, but I still enjoy what I can. I drew my fine share of Dragon Ball Z to Neon Genesis Evangelion fan art and everything in between. Are you a fan as well?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Umm, I tried to be an anime fan, but I couldn’t. It’s difficult. However, I admire the passion. I tried to watch Naruto, but got bored of the drama :p. My friend and his wife opened the first Anime store in Qatar. Just google “Hobby Chan Qatar” and maybe you’ll see them. (They spent their honeymoon in Japan!)
        I digress.
        I started boxing after watching an anime called Hajime no ipo.
        Wait, what am I trying to say?
        Do people delete comments?! I mean, I understand deleting the spam comments – but regular comments from real people are fun! (Especially when the mood is great)

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lol, at least you tried the world of anime! As for deleting comments, I’m not sure if it’s a thing, I don’t think I’ve been deleted yet… but it’s only a matter of time! Lol, or maybe not?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Haha, no it’s not rude. It’s my username after all 😛 but just the Katya part of it (pronounced ka-cha) is a nickname from a childhood friend. The crazy is just my disclaimer title. You can call me whatever, lol

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been reading your stuff and just admire you. You are a survivor–I know because I am, too. Writing has turned out to be my best therapist. Healing comes from getting all that shit out and hearing other survivors get theirs out. It’s like group therapy for me and there is power in a group. And about the commenting–I’d love an IM type thingy where WP users can converse…a forum, maybe. I’m “meeting” some very neat people and wanna talk about some random stuff. Anyway, I’m on your team and think you’re the shit!

    Liked by 1 person

    • First of all, thank you very much. I never thought of myself as a survivor. And, yes, writing is my best therapist (even if sometimes I fight with myself a lot).
      A WP forum would be nice, but there must be a way to add some sort of IM service for members so they could interact other than the comment section.

      Thanks for being on my team. (It’s humbling that I have a team!) And thank you again for suck kind words 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • I want to write a book (just like 99% of people out there). I will write a book. I just don’t know what it will be about or when I will write it.
      I’m humbled and glad that you enjoyed this little piece of writing.

      Liked by 1 person

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