#00186: Memories

I ran away form Jordan because I got so scared I broke down and started crying – just like any 27-year old would do.
It’s embarrassing to admit that I’m allowing my feelings to control me.

The first thing I did when I arrived home is take a huge dose of pills. It kicked in a couple of hours later. That’s when I was able to start talking normally. The crying spells stopped. The fear dissipated. The anxieties went away. The voices were quieted.
Peace.

Temporary peace. I’m flying back to Hell Jordan tomorrow.

During my 2-days stay in my old room, I found something that made me very excited. Surprisingly (or ironically), I found an old journal on Christmas day. It was a journal I kept back in 2003.
Mostly it was the pills, but I started laughing. My worst day was when my friend Caleb left to New Zealand. My days were simple and my diary entries were very direct. I woke up, went to school, came back home, studied, hung around in my yard with friends, studied, snuck out late at night, ..etc.

The most interesting thing about my diary was the lack of complaining. I just did things. I did not find a single complaint in the entire year.

I found an interesting ?poem I had written when my friend Caleb left:
If the mountains can fly, 
If the rivers can dry,
You may forget me,
But never will I

I have no idea where I got that.

No complaints. Sure, I would write something like “It was a boring day..etc” but I did not complain. I did not moan about my feelings.
I could not find complaints in my journals that I kept during that period .. until the last couple of years of high school.
That’s when I started isolating myself from people. I don’t why.

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7 replies »

    • I guess it’s because I didn’t know how to talk about my feelings. I mean, when my friend left, I felt very sad, but I didn’t ruminate on it. I went on with life.

      Some say it’s those little things we kept inside that creep up on us as we get older.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah its absolutely true.Sometimes we need to cry and say shitty things to the world(of course not to any human otherwise he will run away from us) and write fuck so that we do not suffer from ‘depressive fits'(in my language) later on.

        Liked by 1 person

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