#00187: Enough is Enough.

2016 is almost over and I’m still whining and complaining about the same shit I’ve been complaining about for years.

I blame myself for being defeated by my own mind.
I feel something. I believe my feelings. I allow my feelings to drive (or paralyze) me. I try to do something to remove the feelings. And so on.

I hate studying. Well, guess what? I’m being sponsored to study. That’s my current job in life – wake up, go to college, attend my lectures, sit my exams, get the required grades, and move the fuck on.
I don’t like it. Well, tough shit.

I hate where I am. I hate the people I’m surrounded by. I hate the disgusting culture of pure hypocrisy with a dose of ignorance.
Well, that’s how it is. Deal the fuck with it. I’m not in London anymore, and it’s really useless comparing where I was and where I am.

I hate my current relationship with my wife. This long-distance shit is not making things any better. Am I the only one expected to make sacrifices in this fucking marriage? If only you know how many times I’ve contemplated ending this shit – yes, a fucking divorce to get rid of the drama.

I hate myself. I hate how lazy and weak I am. I’m ashamed of the lack of discipline I’ve built up in the past few years. I used to .. I used to .. I can sing “I used to” but that won’t make a fucking difference because it’s all gone.
I hate my past. I can’t handle the present. I’m terrified of the future.

Oh, and then there is the stupid drug habit. Pills to talk. Pills to smile. Pills to live. Pills, pills, pills, …. until when? Is this really how I want to live? Drugs to sleep. Drugs to listen to music.

What kind of shitty life is this?

I want to .. I want to ..  FatBoy Project .. temporary enthusiasm .. I will start .. I want to .. I am going to .. etc etc etc

Forget 2016. Forget 2015. Forget 2014. Just forget it all.
I can’t. I know. Just live with it, then.


2016 is the year of stupid decisions. 2017? Let’s see.

 

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