#00188: I am not a tree.

A tree is firmly rooted to the ground. Its roots are buried beneath the earth, anchoring the tree in its place.
A tree provides shade and its leaves provide oxygen.
A tree provides life.

But a tree can never move on its own. A tree stays in its place for a very long time – hundreds, perhaps thousands of years – growing stronger or taller, but it cannot move.
A tree is a survivor, but a tree cannot live.

I do not want to be a tree anymore.

I want to live.
I want to fall down, get up, fall down harder, stay down because my feelings are controlling me, then get up stronger, knocking down my feelings with an uppercut, and keep on fighting and fighting until I die.

I don’t want to be a tree anymore.

I want to make mistakes and have regrets. I want to move and keep on moving.
Surely I will never be as rooted as a tree, but I aim to be as free as a fat bird who is flying around eating low-calorie worms trying to lose weight.

I want to laugh and cry – hopefully not at the same time.

I want to sweat and break down.

I want to write this post and then, perhaps, regret writing it. Eventually, however, I will keep on fighting my negative feelings.
I will keep on writing posts until I die (or WordPress shuts down, but we can figure something out).

I am not a tree because I want to be the wind that shakes down its leaves.

I want to die because I was living; I don’t want to live dead.

I don’t want to be a tree because I’m not a tree.
A tree has strong roots. I don’t. It doesn’t matter, though, because I can plant my own roots wherever I go.
A tree is fixed in its place by nature. I’m not. I’m a fat butterfly, chubby bee, and a cute bear.

I assume we all have those moments when we feel like we can cut down a tree with a single karate chop.

Moments where all those obstacles we keep imagining turn into fights we are certain we can win.
Moments when we firmly believe we can shake the entire world with our words, our paintings, our work, our presence.

Personally, my feelings keep moving around from positive to negative. But that’s OK.
Since I can feel the negativity – since I can sense the fears and anxieties, then it means there is someone else who is willing to fight those obstacles.
That someone is me.

I can sense fear.
I want to get rid of fear.
I and fear are different entities.
The “I” is stronger than the fear because the “I” is the one creating the fear.

Fears and anxieties are illusions we are conditioned to believe.
Conditioned. Trained.

Surely our brains are not muscles that can be trained. However, our brains are more flexible than anything in our bodies.

A tree has not a brain, but I do.
A tree cannot re-condition itself, but I can.
As much as I respect a tree, I have decided not to be one.

I will own 2017 because I own my own brain.
I will recondition myself to the point where Pavlov himself will be astonished.


P.S. Thank you, my friend, for being there for me. Sorry for plagiarizing most of our conversation :p






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