#00190: January 2017 update

I wrote this update a few days ago. I had just gone back to Jordan after a 2-week hiatus from any sort of binge.
I’m too ashamed of myself. I’m not even sure why I’m posting this.
I’m writing this for a future me.
Whether or not you can remember this period, I’m not going to remind you.

first 13 days (exams and binges)
(31st Dec 2016 – 13th Jan 2017)
-Detailing the details of the details. Sharp focus. A new favorite drug?
-Bullet journal attempting (and copying the mistakes of the things I thought I was avoiding to mistake .. ugh, makes sense?)
-A strong belief in the ability of quitting
-Realizing/admitting that memory isn’t as before. Regret?
-Wanting/Needing-to-need quitting for baby girl?
-Began thinking about (aka being mindful?) focusing on Core

Next 14 days (trying to sober up/ The CVEL theory/)
(14th Jan – 27th Jan)
-Start by going to gym or out and walking while maintaining food as much as possible
-Interesting conversation with little brother
-First time Kuwait sober?
-New numbers. The 5585 is finally being removed.

Then it happened.
(Jan 28th)
Flying to Jordan confident. Details of past deleted.
As soon after stepping in car and looking around –> fear (+ desire? Fear of desire,perhaps? Desire of fear? Remembering details I can’/won’t have anymore?)
Not sure whether to go to Irbid or stay in hotel (cause not sure road safe to use and thinking I’ll go to embassy tomorrow.
Arriving at hotel.
Set-up laptop and charger.
Googling how to retrieve deleted contacts (first or second thing I did)
Retrieve. Retrieve.
Make call. Answer WhatsApp.
Going to one and tonight only. Could’ve been worse.

(Jan 29th)
Cancelled second (sick wife. Set time for next day. Change mind. Make excuse.
Wake up. Repeat same mistake (felt worse).
Call wife. Tell her leaving for Irbid. Drive to Irbid. Reach apartment. Drop luggage. Apartment cold. Water Cold. Internet shit. No drugs.
I was 21 minutes past our yesterday’s appointment when I impulsively “quit” what appeared to be a Good Control so far. No strong urges. Conscious decision of not making (1 mistake into 2).
Impulsive took over.
Drove back to Amman.

(current update written: 30th Jan – 03:30 WUI)
Cut to me writing this.
Focus.
-Was thinking, “maybe it’s time I write UTI/WUI of what exactly/what combination?” cause I don’t remember things as good as I once was.
-Must.Not.Cheat.
-?lost due arrogance i.e. thinking “I am strong. I was able. It looks easy”. I mean, was it because of too much confidence?
-?not going “all-in” in my OWN idea (whether or not stupid to others, what do I think of my stupid idea/stupid illustration of CVEL. Not realizing that it only needs 1 person to believe in to turn into a reality?
—-Instead of waiting for someone else to approve of it, as long as it does not hurt anyone in any shame or form, not considered (hopefully) harmful to someone else, anything else is fine and I only need “Myself&I” to believe in it?
——-Maybe you (posting you – note mood btw) could start by reminding yourself-admitting-repeating the first step of AA?
-?One understanding of why Men cheat?
-?Playing music in car brought back memory/triggered desire?

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Categories: Project: FatBoy, The Journal

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1 reply »

  1. My friend,

    I am sorry I dissapointed you. I am writing this as a comment because I don’t have whatsapp anymore. Or a phone to support it.

    I am sorry I failed you. Got sick after New Years and had a mental breakdown after that. Things went from bad to worse. No money for treatment, no income, sales not going well. No will-power to get out of bed most days, let alone write.

    Once again, I am sorry.

    Take care, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

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