#00200: 2%

200 posts later, and the so-called “journey” isn’t going anywhere. I’m not going anywhere.

Exactly 2 years ago, I got a call from my father. “Your brother .. Bahrain .. dead..”. I don’t think I can ever forget that night and the days that followed. 

200 posts later, and I have not stopped self-chastising my worthless self. I have no love for myself at all. No matter what I do, no matter where I go, no matter what I try, I always end up hating myself more and more. 

Some doctors called this “General Anxiety Disorder”. Other labeled me as “Bipolar”. A few told me to go fuck myself because they got bored of listening to the same self-depreciating record I keep on playing. 

I have nothing positive for you, folks. 

I’m currently at a place in my life where I neither see the glass as half full nor half empty – I simply want to grab the fucking glass and throw it as hard as possible at the wall so it can shatter to a million little pieces. Fuck the glass and whatever is in it. 

200 useless posts later, and my journey is still stuck in the mud of fear and self-loathing. 

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11 replies »

  1. My friend, the “journey”is not useless. You’re just at 2% right now. Still a long way to go, still the journey has yet to reveal itself to you in both scope and magnitude.

    You have still a long way to go. More posts to write, more stuff to do, to get out of the mud of fear and loathing. You never know what’s going to be waiting for you at the end of this journey. Keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Indeed. But you’ve got to stare fear in the eye and tell it to step aside, for it’s in the way. Fear is a choice. So is courage, so is integrity, or dignity or strength or weakness. And day after day after day you’ve got to choose what you believe in, how strongly, and why.

        You’ve got a heart of gold, my friend. I believe in you.

        Liked by 2 people

      • I wish I could see what you see, but I’ll take your word for now. I’m currently dressing up fear as a character and will be posting some conversations I have/had with him.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Man, hell or heaven… we create them and carry them with us. Whenever we choose to focus on the bad instead of the good, on what’s missing, on what we’re afraid of. You and you alone can choose what and how to think, and no matter what I tell you, it’s not going to change a thing unless you want to change.

    Remember this: you create your own reality. Might as well create one that doesn’t scare the shit out of you.

    P.S. I sent you a message on Facebook.

    Liked by 1 person

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