#00205: Slowly does it, right?

I’m still here, folks.
I haven’t given up yet. Not completely, anyways.

I might will move to London in September.
I finally have the courage to admit that I never wanted to study.
I never liked studying. I did it for my parents, my family, my society.
I wanted want to be accepted. What am I without the Dr, Eng or Prof before my name?
Now, I’m just another name. Nothing special.
And I’m slowly adjusting to accept that.

I’m slowly adjusting to having a job. I’m only doing it for the money – all those naive ambitions I had are now lost somewhere in the bureaucratic system of useless papers and signatures.
Seriously, though, it’s a stable job = stable income. Moving on.

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I’m expecting my first child in a few weeks.

I’m slowly trying to get my business back – I didn’t tell you that my business partner almost fucked me over, right? That’s a story for another day.

My memory isn’t what it used to be. Have I mentioned that before?

A friend of mine recently told me that he never saw me happy.
Regardless of the phase or personality; he saw me during them all, but I was never happy.
My only thought was: what is happiness?

Scan my blog and you’ll find endless attempts to “organize” my life – categories, breaking my blog down into categories, …etc

Low self-esteem.
Fear.
A non-existent personality that is too afraid to speak up and share its opinion.

I like to write. I enjoy reading. Drawing takes my mind off things.
But I never do any of those.
I spend my time watching TV and videos.
I binge and sleep because I don’t want to think.

If I think, I must write.
If I write, I will see the truth.
I don’t want to see the truth because I don’t know what to do with it.

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2 replies »

  1. A friend recently asked me what I liked to do for fun—I could list a couple things but had to admit I hadn’t done any of them in weeks. Isn’t it funny how easy it is to coast through life, and how incredibly difficult it is to put any effort into living?
    I wish you luck in your new life stage! Changes are always difficult to accept, but hopefully it will be just what you need to step back and breathe for a bit.

    Liked by 1 person

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