#00207: 2 years

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I’ve been in my room for over a week.
I do not have the energy to even talk to someone, let alone answer their questions.
I’ve been mostly in bed.
Netflix and pills?

The pills got me out of bed and into the real world.
I managed to see my baby girl. She’s the only thing in the entire universe that can put a smile on my face no matter what mood I’m going through.

Bipolar? Depression? Anxiety? Mood disorder?
Pull out your ICD-10 or 11. Open your DSM-V.
And tell me: how can I survive?

How can I live like you?
Where do you get your energy from, sir?
What gets you out of bed in the morning? (the urge to piss ca not be included).

2 years.
Nothing has improved.

Can anyone help?

9 replies »

  1. Anyone can offer advice and encouragement, but what you seek is most likely within.

    It’s debilitating to feel hopeless, lost, desperate.

    There’s a glimmer inside. It’s trying to shine brighter. Find a way to push back the darkness and step into the light.

    You can do this. Let your daughter be your guide. Hold on to that smile she gives you and nurse it into happiness.

    It’s never easy. But what’s that saying, ‘if it isn’t a struggle, you’re not learning from it’.

    You’re learning. You’re going to evolve. You’re going to overcome.

    Keep searching.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You know, I always told myself I need to drop by your blog more often and thank you for your continuous support. But I end up not accessing wordpress for ages and rely on my phone for quick posts and replies.
      Your words have always been very kind. And, to no surprise, you’re the person with most comments on this blog.
      So thank you times infinity!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I don’t comment because I need to be visited back, and all that jazz, I hardly post now as it is. But I genuinely believe in you, and whenever I get an alert that you’ve posted, I try my best to stop by and lend any encouragement I might have. Sometimes all it takes is one person to root for you, and it’s enough to keep you going for the day.

        Keep your chin up!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I have 2 different reactions to the above comment.
        My first reaction is genuine appreciation and gratitude. I can’t hear your tone or see your body language, but your words ring of pure truth. This leads to the second reaction – one which I have whenever someone complements me, and it doesn’t sound nice; a reaction that pushed a lot of people out of my life: Why? Why do you believe in me? What is it that you see or sense? because, I’m sure it’s clear by now: I have no goals, I have no talents, I have no passion for anything, I quit medicine – twice!, I failed in business more than once, I never finished all those “projects” I set for myself in this blog, and simply it’s clear I have no real self-esteem (I say real because I can fake it but it drains my energy).
        I’m sorry about this long reply, but I really want to know what do you see?

        Liked by 1 person

      • I don’t want to sound narcissistic, but I think part of what draws me to your posts is that I can relate with some of your turmoil. I have lead a completely different life than yours, and I’m not trying to assume I know what you’re going thru, and that I totally get it. I don’t think anyone can ever truly understand what’s happening inside another person, but that’s not the point here.

        What I see is someone who comes online to bare their soul, be real about their pain, and communicate their failures – all in the name of trying to improve, although sometimes you really seem lost as to why you are doing things. There is something so redeeming in your struggle, your continued thoughts and posts, that paint a different picture than your narrative. You have a passion for something, or you wouldn’t be here writing. There is something driving you forward, and you will figure out what it is.

        I see someone who is down on his luck, and trying to find a way to filter the bad, and I feel like if I can spread a little kindness and allow you a moment to breathe and realize that it’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to give up on a goal. It’s okay to feel like you’re stuck in a rut.

        But it’s not okay to give up on yourself. And it’s okay to be reminded by a kind person across the world that I am rooting for you because you deserve it. You’re a human. Things go wrong. Life is hard. But you can always do with a little kindness.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You are very welcome. I hope you can find some peaceful soul searching time to take it in. Keep us posted on how it’s going!

        Liked by 1 person

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