#00208: Attempts, systems and mood

I like lists.
I enjoy writing down things to do and crossing out things that have been done.
I like to organize my life using timetables and countdowns.
When my mood isn’t down, lists and categories carry a sense of purpose i.e. a reason to wake up and get out of bed just to cross them out.

But that’s only when my mood is up.

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One of the first things I started on this blog but soon gave up.

Early 2012, I began dealing with numerous numbers of therapists and psychiatrists. I was reluctant to open up to some doctor about how my mood is affecting my life or why I’m taking drugs or my grades have been falling. Since then, I’ve seen numerous people regarding my mood, and received multiple diagnoses, the top 3 being Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety disorder and Depression.

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Another cancelled project because of my mood

I digress.

When I’m experiencing a stable-to-mildly-high mood, I tend to come up with ideas and start projects. Sadly, the mood doesn’t last, and with it goes any grain of positivity I had when I began a project.

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Different projects that have since lost their purpose

Because I like to organize things, I find it difficult to leave things “unorganized”. One of the reasons I sometimes dislike this blog is how disorganized it is. Multiple categories, unfinished projects, lack of rapport, ..etc. When the mood is down, I avoid writing altogether. When the mood is stable, I accept the flaws and write anything. When the mood rises, I’ll probably start something new and never finish.

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Trying to be perfect. Too much is too much.

Perhaps it’s time to revise this blog – the unnecessary social accounts I’ve attached to it, the multiple categories that once carried some meaning behind them but have now been forgotten, all the attempts to make this blog “perfect” and flawless.

What happened to “simply posting” as the only category?

The blog is a reflection of its owner, and I’m filled to the brim with flaws.
It’s OK.
My current mood is labelled as “stable”, and with a stable mood comes a stable opinion.


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