Instead of sex, we talked. That’s what my wife and I did when we got together yesterday.
Forget what they lie to you about long-distance marriage and what love means because it’s all bullshit. Distance kills love and destroys passion.
The college students we were five years ago are not the same people who are parents now. Our main concern was passing our Anatomy exam. And we did. Together. She’s now a in intern in one of the best hospitals in Kuwait, while I’m a proud med-school dropout who finally managed to come to terms with the biggest lie he ever lived.
The point is, unlike our anatomy where we both helped each other out, we are now different people.
I did not Google “why I’m not interested in sex at the moment?”, but that did not stop me from telling my wife.
And here’s the thing: our relationship for the past 5 years – with all its ups and down, breakups and makeups – has been based on the wrong notion that Partner1 must do everything and go out of her to way to make Partner2 happy.
And that’s where Mark Manson’s “Feedback Loop from Hell” comes into play.
- I try so hard to make her happy and satisfy her on so many levels. Her reaction to my attempts is not as anticipated. I feel shit for not being able to make her happy(ier).
- She tries so hard to make me happy and satisfied. She doesn’t know what to do because it seems everything she does is criticized by me. She feels shit for not being able to make me happy.
And that’s exactly what I told her we need to stop doing: neglecting ourselves in the pursuit of satisfying each other. The equation is simple but we’ve been taught is the opposite: If I was doing something that is satisfying me (writing this long post in Starbucks) while my wife did something that satisfies her (sleeping because having a baby is fucking difficult), then we’ll both be satisfied by the time we see each other later on to go out on our date.
It sounds counterintuitive but it’s fucking true (I’m an expert because I’ve been doing it for the past 15 days): to help others, to save the world, you must first help yourself by being the selfish prick you’ve probably been taught not to be.
Be selfish for a better future. Enjoy sex selfishly.