As the title clearly states, there is no “July 16 2017 – 36/39” post because I was sleeping.
I slept for more than 15 hours. No pills. No drugs.
My body simply stopped functioning and I found myself in bed unable to focus or do anything.
I couldn’t reply to the messages on my phone or answer any calls.
I couldn’t focus my mind on anything.
So I fucking gave up trying, closed my eyes and stayed in bed from after work on Sunday until right before work on Monday.
I only got out of bed because of the back pain. And I had to pee.
I’m at the same cafe I used to come to two years ago.
The same cafe, the same exact table, and the exact same smell of coffee, false hopes, and the aroma of regret and loss.
This is the exact same table I sat on when I signed up for this blog.
The exact same table I sat on writing bullshit after bullshit, feeding my mind with negativity and nonsense.
Here the fuck I am, filled with nothing but anger and regret, typing useless letters – the same useless letters and symbols I wrote years and years ago, I still keep on writing the same old shit over and over again.
Did I stop going to the gym? No. I’m not sure about the scale, but my clothes began to fit differently.
As you can see, I post more regularly on this blog. But I’m still not used to writing about the nonexistent relationship between my wife and I, how I keep contemplating divroce as the ultimate best option for the entire family, how my bank account is overdrawn and it keeps reminding me about that every single day, and blah blah blah.
This is the point in life where it reminds you of how small you truly are, how unworthy your attempts are trying to do something about – this is the point in the game of life where all you can do is bend down on your knees and stay the fuck down.
Categories: The Journal