#00258: Silence is Power

“I’m not running away from my past. On the contrary, actually, I’m walking towards you with the confidence I’ve been too scared to embrace.
The confidence of a Med-school dropout
The confidence of a want-to-write-a-book dreamer
The confidence of a once-fit, now-fat, too-scared-to-face-the-world, too-many-hyphens-using human.
The confidence of someone who admits that his past was his choice, so is his present and future.” #00254: September 2 2017

Why aren’t we taught to fail?

Setbacks, obstacles, challenges, bankruptcy, lack of control – mix the difficulties and cook them in Ruminated Fear Sause. Once it’s cooked, serve it with crumbs of self-doubt. If you’re not allergic to excuses, then you can add as much as you desire. My favorite blend of excuses is BullShit.

Must I explain myself to you when I say “I’m busy”? Repeating the same sermon of “you make time! blah blah blah ..” is interesting, but did you take a few minutes to ponder whether or not I’m doing what I want to do?
Your words are very nice. And you are absolutely correct.
I agree with the idea that we always have time to do what we want if we set time and goals and farts become disciplined.

Just because I didn’t talk about my weight loss yet, it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Just because I still haven’t mentioned how I picked the tennis racquet again and shocked my trainer because of the progress and discipline I had?
The last time I stepped on the scale was in April. It was my second weigh in at my gym in London. 3% body fat drop. Just because I didn’t immediately talk about it, it doesn’t mean I’m grateful and happy with myself.

Was my time off the blog all very fruitful? Fuck no. I went back to drugs before I could unpack. But guess what? I quit. Then I went back. Then I quit again.
Was my year away from the blog all rainbows and sunshine? Of course not. I was in London. There is no sun in London.
Basically put, my time in London was filled with as mistakes and “failures” as progress and getting up no matter how many times I fell.

Currently, I’m on a hiatus from working out because: 1) I just finished my Master’s degree dissertation on a topic that has not been done before. 2) I have a minor injury in my left hip because of the intensive martial arts I’ve been doing.
Oh, did I not tell you I’m back martial artsing?
Quick story: I was working on a murder case, and one of the victim’s friends was a well known MMA fighter. So, sensing an opportunity and using my area of employment, I approached this guy. We met up the same day. I gave him so insider information regarding Forensic Medicine and how this case needs to be handled.
By the end of the meeting he offered to be my personal coach if I was still interested in martial arts. There you have it.

Just because I’m not complaining or sharing what I’m doing, it doesn’t mean I’m locked in my room contemplating nothing but painless suicide.

Well, here’s my opinion on painless suicide: I call it giving up.

If you go through this blog, you’ll notice how indecisive I am, how much I like to chastize myself, and how I love to create plans and programs that don’t really see the light of day. Why? Because I was trying to follow the advices I read in books, ideas I keep getting, suggestions on how to live my life.
And it’s all well loved and appreciated by me. Don’t think for a second that anything you say will be dismissed. In fact, I can be motivated further by a comment or (just like today, for example, a warm WhatsApp conversation with a good friend who updated me with his situation. I felt genuine happiness for this man. He sent me the Featured Image back in March 2017)

PHOTO-2017-03-04-18-05-54

I wanted to delete the blog not because I’ve given up on writing. On the contrary, I want to write more, laugh more, and share what I think with the world. The comments I went through before deleting the blog changed my mind. I told myself I have amazing people of this blog, some with me since day 1. Why move away from them?
Another reason (albeit silly and slightly funny) for wanting to delete the blog was my attempt to prove to myself that whatever I do, I do it purely for myself – be it helping others, farting around my lovely wife and laughing like a kid – whatever it is I want to do or did, I have to ensure it’s done not for the history books or the people of this world.
Nope.

What the fuck did I just write? You get my point, right?

Just because I’m not talking about selling every single asset I own to provide for my family, it doesn’t mean I’m just sitting on my hairy ass complaining about life.
My bank account has been in overdraft for two months.
What’s my overdraft amount? -£400. That’s minus four-hundred pounds. This is not taking into account the $400,000 bank loan, a $10,000 loan from my cousin and another $10,000 loan from my mother.
In other words, financially I’m fucked, but guess what I’m doing? I’m still partnered up with the Belgian businesswoman and we are still going ahead without the project.
Just because I didn’t mention that, with all my mistakes and failures in multiple business endeavours, I never gave up.
I execute. I work. I see the mistakes that I did. I don’t repeat them on my next project. Simple.
Am I not worried she might fuck me over and decide to stop the project? I am. But that’s it. I keep my fears and worries and anger and everything in my head.
It’s not bottled up. It’s just thoughts. Noise.

This brings me to one secret I can share today: keep your mouth shut.
I now take longer before making a decision or even responding to a question.
Sometimes I don’t even bother with answering the question at all.
Keep quiet. Accept your flaws and mood and fears. Don’t explain yourself to people unless you want to. If you do so, be prepared to accept that people don’t understand you the way you want to be heard and understood. It’s not the people’s fault or yours. It’s just what it is.

My current secret is staying quiet.
When that car cut me off today, I simply slowed down, took a deep breath and sighed. I can get angry if I want to because my brain was telling me to react. But, seriously, and then what?
I’ve already made the mistake of stopping in the middle of the road and beating a driver. I was in jail the next day. The driver was kind enough to drop the charges, and I thanked him for his kindness. I gave him my number in case I could ever return the favor.
Fast forward a year later, I get a call from him. Some landlord scammed him and didn’t deliver what he promised. We got him his money back in 2 days.

Seriously, though, what am I saying?

Do you. Find your zone. My favorite burger from McDonald’s is the McChicken. I hate the Big Mac. See? Popular is not necessarily desirable on a personal level. Just because Tony Robbins said something, it doesn’t mean it applies to your zone.

My current zone is not using my voice unless absolutely necessary, making sure I use the minimum amount of words that convey my meaning. That’s it. My job ends there. How it is interpreted is not at all my problem.

A beautiful unexpected side effect of less talk is more energy being left for the brain. I wrote a 20,000 words dissertation in less than a month. How? Because I chose the topic (against advice from colleagues at work). In fact, every person I interviewed for the research advised me to find something with “more published literature on it”.
Was I intimidated? Yes. Did I doubt myself? Hell to the yes.
But I fucking did it regardless.
And guess what? The professor loved it so much he asked if he could quote it later for the Journal he heads. This professor wrote an encyclopedia of forensic medicine, and he found my research very interesting.

Just because I don’t share, it doesn’t mean I’m not improving.

Maybe I want to write a book. Maybe not. I genuinely don’t know. If I knew what I wanted to write about (just like my thesis) and was interested (from the inside out) to write a book, you bet your ass I’ll drink the bitterness of writing a book.
I’m not there yet. I’ll get there when I want to get there.

For now, my priorities are clear. Focus on improving my finances while staying quiet.

The whole staying quiet was not clear in this post. I’ll write something better tomorrow.

Good night.

 

 

 

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