#00261: Just because …

Just because I don’t take about my mental health, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t a regular customer in various psych departments in different countries. I was given many labels, the most common was “Bipolar disorder”.
I stopped taking any form of medication 4 months ago.

Just because I don’t talk about my extreme food bingeing habit, it doesn’t mean I didn’t struggle when I stopped.
But I stopped. I don’t binge. I don’t want to.

I avoid talking about topics I don’t understand. Just because I don’t talk about them, it doesn’t mean I’m not trying to understand them.

Just because I don’t talk about lonliness and being scared of my upcoming school results, it doesn’t mean I’m happy and content and strong. I’m only being quiet about it.

Just because I don’t complain as much I once did, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want. Hell, I want to shout and scream and point out the double-and-triple standards I observe around me. But I choose not you. I allow all my thoughts to stay in the safe environment of my mind, hoping they can work out their differences.

Just because I;m not following the route you genuinley believe is right for me, it doesn’t mean I’m not carving my own road towards something.

Just because I don’t go to the gym, it doesn’t mean I have given up on my physical health.
Just because I believe SMART goals are not for me, it doesn’t mean I disagree with its value.

Just because I do not say it out loud, it doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it.

Just because I said a million times before that I’ll do X, Y and Z but always ended up quitting, it doesn’t mean I haven’t given up completely.

Just because I’m depressed and anxious and moody, it doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about the notion of me hanging on tight to depression and anxiety and fear because I believe they keep me safe. I know they don’t keep me safe at all. I know there’s more to just labels – something deep within me, around me, that’s causing me to hold on tight to the destructive habits of fear and so on.

Just because I didn’t talk about my drug addiction, it doesn’t mean I haven’t been on and off repeatedly. Maybe I don’t say anything because your wonderful advice will not be followed and I can’t handle being the asshole who doesn’t listen.
There’s neither pride nor shame in being an addict.

Just because you hate hearing statements that begin with “I will do X and Y later”, it doesn’t mean my “I will” is the one referenced in life improvement books and courses.

Just because I keep on falling harder and harder, it doesn’t mean I will give up. I might lay on the floor contemplating the situation, then I’ll crawl to the nearest chair. I’ll slowly pull myself up, and continue my contemplation.
Once I’m ready (and only I can say when I’m ready), I will try to walk again.
And again.

Just because I stopped talking about writing a book, it doesn’t mean I haven’t been working on it.

You have every right to interpret my words and silence according to your own decryption mechanisms. But you forget one thing: our encryption and decryption mechanism differ from one person to another.

Thank you for reading.

Good night.

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