#00264: Silence is (not always) power – 4

Skip this depressing post as there’s nothing uplifting or positive about it.

Silence isn’t glamorous. It’s not easy. Not fucking easy at all.

I have to endure constant belittling, mocking and yelling.
I don’t respond when I’m laughed at.
I don’t complain when I’m scared. I’m fucking scared.
I don’t respond when I’m being falsely accused or ridiculed.

I don’t tell anyone how scared I am of the known unknown – pass or fail school.
I don’t talk about how my financial situation is causing me to be physically sick in my stomach.

Sometimes talking to someone is healthy. I’m too scared to talk to anyone.
I don’t want to listen to how I made those financial mistakes, how I impulsively decided to quit medicine, how I am the one that keeps bringing myself to this depressing place.
I don’t want to talk because words can’t pay my rent.

My wife is with her family, looking after her bed-ridden dad, and I don’t want to burden her further. I don’t want to talk to friends because I don’t want to push them away further.
Writing? Fuck writing.

I don’t have answers to your questions.

Here we go again. Fucking circles.

That’s all I have to say.

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2 replies »

  1. I’m sorry that you’re facing such difficulty. If by talking about your issues pushes your friends away, then I’m sorry to say, but those are not your true friends.

    I hope you find some relief soon.

    Like

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