#00267: Fear

Allow me to divide my life into 3 time intervals:
1. Past
2. Present
3. Future
The past is already done. Poof.
Its results are either dead or still alive.
Regardless of the emotions attached to it, the past is gone. It’s been done.
The present, well, it’s the end of this sentence. Or this one.
The present is now. This is not rocket science.
The present is the current moment I’m in, where I am at, doing whatever it is I’m doing.
The present is the fastest motherfucker out of all intervals.
Pause.
This post is about the future. The motherfucking, unknown future.
Are you like me?
Waiting for just one thing to happen before being able to do anything else?
I’m currently impatiently waiting for my results.
An email. One line that reads “pass” or “fail”.
I’m waiting for a fucking four lettered word, and it’s not “fuck”.
They’ll both require different strategies to tackle when they become known.
I will lie and say I’m fine with either result, but that’s obviously bullshit. I want to pass. I need to.
I’ve placed huge bets that depend on the 4 lettered word that doesn’t begin with an F.
Forget about time for a moment. Forget about school and results.
What the fuck should I do now?
I can’t make any commitments because I don’t know what sort of future I’ll have to deal with.
Cue the internet wisdom of blah blah just do, just be, blah blah.
The so-called wisdom I’m mocking is actually the answer I’m looking for.
I need something practical.
For the mindfulness folks reading this, keep breathing and stay centered in your zone.
I open a book to read, but I can’t be distracted from thinking “pass or fail”.
I open a novel, and I can’t handle the events.
I want to know: pass or fail?
I want to write a proper post, but my mind is scared folks. Scared of failing.
Fear.
Fear is an illusion created by your mind to deceive you into thinking that you are prepared to face whatever it is you’re afraid of.
You see, it doesn’t matter whether I pass or fail: what’s important is how I define what they mean.
What does “pass” mean? What does “fail” mean?
I give them meaning. You, dear reader, give meaning to your feelings.
What I can learn is a very important asset to obtain: patience.
Patience is an overlooked and undervalued virtue that people rarely talk about.
Patience: the power of staying in the moment – whatever that means to you – and surrender what you cannot control.
I’m only human, sir.
I will continue to struggle against my own definitions.
What do you fear the most? 
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